“This week has seen the change of the clocks, guisers and some squibs, but what is the scariest part of this Tory Government?” — @stevemcghie

Undoubtedly, the scariest aspect of this Tory Government is that 99 per cent of Tories lack basic human morality. Some of us have realised helping each other is our best chance of enjoying our existence. Unfortunately, most Tories seem to hold the view that the only existence that truly matters is their own. It’s a dim-witted and tribalistic viewpoint that seems to stem from an ill-attained sense of superiority.

Whether or not the terrifying stories of intercourse with dead pigs or the shooting of harmless squirrels are true, it’s hardly a stretch to imagine the Tories are capable of such deeds. It’s quite harrowing to envisage a modern Tory Hallowe’en party. They’d presumably assemble dressed as the bankers from Mary Poppins and tell horror stories about being harassed by poor people.

In general, as humans, we prefer to accentuate the good in humanity. However, with Tories, this is often difficult to find. We may have dressed up as monsters at the weekend, but we need to look no further than the Tories to see true horror in its purest form.

Do you have any tips for Ruth Davidson if she achieves her ambition of “dancing” on Strictly? — @patsy_Glasgow

FROM what I’ve seen, dancing is generally a dangerous activity for Unionist politicians. Who could forget Jim Murphy’s infamous appearance on Sky News, where he pirouetted with pensioners as embarrassingly low Labour results appeared onscreen? It was enough to hospitalise some viewers with incessant facepalming. Equally, Strictly Come Dancing has not been a regular part of my television diet since former MP Ed Balls terrified the nation with his attempts at boogying on the Beeb. The former Shadow Chancellor made the average father’s wedding day bopping look positively graceful.

Sadly, it appears Balls has opened Pandora’s Box with this dancing gimmick. We might soon be living in a future where foreign doctors are deported as political figures waltz on prime time television. Indeed, Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson has purportedly requested to enter the ranks of the Z-list celebrities that have strutted their funky stuff on the Strictly dance floor. This is quite a brash move for someone who regularly criticises Scotland’s First Minister for not “focusing on her day job”. How exactly ballroom dancing equates to strong opposition is anybody’s guess. Perhaps “holding the SNP to account” merely involves waving a Union Jack and then bogging off to do stuff that personally interests you?

That said, there is no denying that Ruth Davidson knows her audience. Her war-crazy, banker-loving audience. Moreover, there seems to be a considerable overlap between people that vote Tory and people that tune into Strictly. After all, this modest dance show is probably the raciest thing that sexually repressed, middle-aged people can watch whilst eating packets of After Eights and Marks & Spencer crisps. If Ruth’s main objective here is to win votes by hamming out another round of her “likeable Conservative” shtick, I suggest she goes all out. Why not ride into the studio on a buffalo or mobile weapon system? These tactics worked at the Scottish parliamentary election, why wouldn’t they in a dance contest?

As we move further into the 21st century, the line between politician and celebrity will continue to blur, with the common denominator being that both groups are chiefly made up of self-interested charlatans. Clearly, the only things Conservatives are good at dancing on are the graves of the less fortunate.

If we’re going to have politicians partaking in rumbas and quicksteps, can we at least have progressive and talented ones? I imagine a retired Nicola Sturgeon would be a far better candidate for dance-based reality TV. I can see her appearing on an independent Scotland’s answer to Strictly and bopping to All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor, only she’d change the lyrics to “I’m voting SNP, SNP, no Tory!”

“If Trump wins next week, how quickly can we turn Prestwick Airport into a Starport and get out of Dodge?” — @vcocozza76

The prospect of Donald Trump becoming President of the United States next week is one that is undoubtedly causing great unrest in many of Earth’s citizens.

While the idea of Hillary Clinton being the only other possible successor to Obama is also quite nauseating, no thought is quite so abhorrent as that of Trump being the leader of one of the most powerful nations in the world. I always imagined our space-faring future would resemble that of Star Trek, and it’s quite interesting to note that, according the television show’s timeline, World War 3 is due to begin in 2026. That’s less than ten years after Trump theoretically becomes President of the United States. It would seem perfectly plausible to me that an eight-year Donald Trump Presidency could result in the third World War.

Perhaps as a result of this, more than 100 Star Trek alumni have signed a letter of opposition to Donald Trump. This is heartening in so many ways. Should the very worst happen next week, we should hastily make it known that their help will be needed at the newly christened “Prestwick Starport” as part of the plans you propose. Their wisdom, vision and leadership will be instrumental in Scotland’s rebirth as an international conduit to the stars and platform to inter-dimensional travel! If I had my way, we’d be constructing our new Starport at maximum warp.