HAW Wullie, whit’s this ah hear about you gettin a job? Thought you wur retired fae the buses.

Ah’m ur, but noo ah’m workin fur this new LearnScots website.

Scots? Who wants tae learn that? Zat no dead auld–fashioned?

There’s hunners a folk signed up fur it. Fae aw ower the world but.

Aye right. Anyhow, whit dae you know aboot Scots – it’s aw folk up Aiberdeen way, sayin “Fit like, quinie”.

There’s loadsa different kindsa Scots. Ah’m the Glaswegian consultant.


Nooadays folk are comin tae Glesga fae everywhere. Place is hoachin wi overseas students.

Aye but they aw learn English.

Then they get here and realise haufy us don’t speak English. See me, oan ma bus, fulla passengers gaun tae their work. This wee lassie gets oan. “Where d’ye want me tae let ye aff, hen?” ah says, clear as day. She husnae a scooby whit ah’m sayin and ah’m sittin there like a chookie tryin tae figure oot where she’s gaun. Is it Tollcross or George’s Cross? The hale bus startit joinin in – it wis like a quiz game. Turnt oot she wanted tae go tae Dumbarton.

Why wid ye want tae go tae Dumbarton?

Tae see the castle, ya numptie. Or should ah say – ya bumph, ya dobbie, ya dochle, ya dowfie ya dulbert, ya dovie, ya fozie, ya gaibie, ya glundie, ya gomerel, ya gowk, ya oanshach, ya snoddie, ya souk, ya sowf, ya stookie, ya sumph, ya tumfie, ya yaup.

Whit you oan?

It’s no just aboot the words ah know already – ah’m learning new yins. They’re aw words for stupit.

Who you callin stupit?

Ah’m no, ah’m just sayin there are better Scots words than haufy the English wans.

So you’re teachin folk tae call ither folk stupit? Zat no a bit stupit?

It’s fae the section on Cyclin and Transport. If some guy cuts you up on yer bike, insteidy shoutin “ya bampot”, ye shout, “ya dowfie, ya gambrel”. He’ll no huv a scooby whit you’re sayin and it’ll make you feel better.

Till ye get yer heid in yer hauns tae play wi. You’re gettin right intae this but.

Aye, ah thoat it’d just be a laugh but it’s startit me thinkin.

Ah widnae dae that, Wullie, could be dangerous at your age.

Ah’ve wrote tae ScotRail aboot aw these stations that have Gaelic names on them.

Whit’s wrang wi that?

Nuttin, but how come they don’t huv any Scots names oan them? So ah said they should pit extra signs up: Brigton, Easterhoose, Merryhull. Ah’ve never heard back fae them but.

Nae surprises there.

And ah wrote tae NHS Scotland aboot they flu jabs.

Whit’s that goat tae dae wi Scots?

It isnae Scots, that’s the point. The word is jag. All ma life ah’ve talked aboot jags. Everybdy talks aboot jags. “Ma wean’s gonnae get her jags the day, Jimmy goat a jag afore his operation.” And noo it’s “flu jabs”.

Whit difference does it make whit ye cry it?

Why change it when you’ve already got yer ain word? Jag’s a better word than jab. Jag’s a jaggy word, it sounds sharp. You get a jag and it’s “Ooyah ooyah mammydaddy, that was sore!”. A jab kinda skites aff ye.

Must mind that next time ah’m at the dentist.

And there’s the weather forecast.

Don’t tell me, you wrote tae the BBC.

Aye. There’s aw these magic Scots words fur weather.

You don’t need any magic words fur weather in Glesga you just need wan – rain.

Aye but whit kindy rain? Bleatery or plowtery? Does it deow, is it a brash, a clash, a scour, or a scuff ? And as fur snaw – there’s hunners a words fur snaw.

And whit did the BBC say?

Thank you for your interesting suggestion. We’ll keep it on file.

This job is keepin you busy.

Aye. Ah write stuff fur the website and record the words so they know how tae pronounce them right.

Ah even Skype. Ah’ve startit daein tutorials an aw.

Check you!

That’s fur the wans that stay here. We talk in Glaswegian and go wee trips. They want a bit mair in-depth. Ah mean, you try an explain the difference between mingin and bowfin and honking and mawkit online. Ah’m meetin the group here – we go different places every week. Last week was “Gaun the Messages”. There’s this wee Polish guy – dead quiet so he is, wouldnae say boo – and he says “Gie’s haufa punna mince,” just like a local. Ah wis that chuffed wi him so ah wis.

Where’s this week’s jaunt?

Ah’m takin them tae the footie.

Ah think ah’ll hing aroon till they turn up, Wullie. Cannae wait tae see their faces when you tell them they’re gauntae Paradise.