BY THE end of this week what remains of the Labour party in Scotland will have a new leader. I’d say what’s left, but there’s nothing much left about them, and that is precisely what has been their downfall. Whether it’s Kezia Dugdale, as seems likely, or that Ken Wossiname who doesn’t even have the highest profile inside his own head, the Labour party in Scotland is doomed to irrelevance. And no number of shouty wee Gordon Mathesons as backing singers are going to save them. Gordon can’t even save himself as leader of Glesca Cooncil.

The result of the contest will be announced on Saturday, and although the winner remains as yet unknown – and if it’s Ken he’ll still be unknown even after winning – the one thing that’s pretty certain is that Labour still won’t reveal the exact number of votes the candidates got.

That would mean the world would know just how many active members there are in the party, and that number is as embarrassingly shrivelled as a male porn star’s member after an ice bath. Only even less fit for work.

There is something that’s hard, getting bigger and standing ever more proud though, and that’s Jeremy Corbyn’s standing in the polls.

The contest for leader of Labour at the UK level looks increasingly likely to be won by the Islington North MP who is partying like it’s 1999 and all that bleary Blairy unpleasantness never happened. I don’t know if you remember the 1990s, but it was a time when the Labour party represented hope and Victoria Beckham was actually a singer of sorts. Or at least she got to pout the words to the chorus in Spice Girls videos. But if you can hope that Victoria can sing, then all things become possible, which is why we looked upon the charlatan Blair and thought he was going to change things.

Jeremy is hoping for a Spice Girls revival for Labour, with him in the role of Scary. He’s already terrifying the Blairite old guard because he really does threaten to change things.

The current Labour leadership doesn’t want Labour to be a party of the labour movement. They want it to be a part of managing the expectations of the labour movement on behalf of the bosses, the banks, and the British establishment. That was Blair’s winning formula and they planned to rinse and repeat until they’ve bleached all the red from British politics.

However ordinary Labour supporters look as though they’re going to drag their party back to the left irrespective of the so-called wisdom of the party leaders. For too long they have treated the party as a vehicle for their own careers, this sense of entitlement is now so ingrained that there is serious talk of a putsch if there’s a Corbyn victory.

Jeremy is described as hard left by people who have drifted so far to the right that the ghost of Margaret Thatcher would be scared of them. They’ve spent the last two decades being Labour’s living nightmare, but now they’re having nightmares of their own at the prospect of being exorcised. Blair was the super villain of Labour, but like all cartoon super villains he’s got a deadly weakness, and in his case it’s Corbynite. It’s like kryptonite, but with a beard, some socialist principles, and a £3 membership card.

Oddly, the right-wing people who shrink before the mighty power of Corbynite are very often the same people who complain that the SNP isn’t really left wing. They want the SNP to be left wing because they believe that if Labour is left wing it will be unelectable, and they want the SNP to be unelectable too. The very worst thing you can do in modern British politics is adopt a left-wing position. That is, it’s the worst thing you can do for the bosses, the banks, and the British establishment. That’s why the SNP has done so well simply by being a little bit left wing, it still puts them far to the left of Labour.

Possibly inspired by the Scottish example, many in England look to Jeremy as a saviour from the old politics of austeridespair. They’ve had enough of foreign wars, nuclear weapons and privatising everything. Labour in England might even get its mojo back.

Traditional Labour supporters are highly enthused by the prospect of a Corbyn victory, as are Tories who think that he’ll make the party unelectable. Just about everyone wants Jeremy to win, the only people who disagree are members of the Labour establishment like John McTernan – who, of course, did such a fabby job during the general election and should definitely be listened to when he tells us that what Labour really needs is more of his soulless triangulation.

Neither of the two leading candidates for Scottish branch manager are especially thrilled by the leftwards turn that the UK leadership campaign has taken. Kezia recently said that a Corbyn victory risked leaving Labour carping on the sidelines for years, which is exactly where the party in Scotland has been since 2007 so you’d think that if nothing else she’d have plenty experience.

Ken claims he’s a socialist, it’s just that he doesn’t like any socialist policies as his style of Labour politics owes a lot more to Jim Murphy. Both Kez and Ken are big fans of keeping nukes on the Clyde.

They’re the continuity candidates, and will continue to encourage what’s left of the party to evaporate away like a wee puddle left by an incontinent pug.

But as sure as Labour won’t reveal their true Scottish membership statistics, the moment that Jeremy wins the vote then Kezia or Ken will have a Specsavers moment and will be hailing him as a great visionary in the hope that some of the magic will rub off on them and Labour in Scotland will stop mistaking the dead cat of self-inflicted defeat with the snazzy headgear of electoral victory.

The conversion will not be genuine, however, and the voters will know it. Dead cats smell bad, and so does Labour in Scotland. There are Jeremy Corbyns in Scotland, it’s just that they support independence.

Kezza and Jezza: It's a love-hate thing

The National View, August 13: A saviour Labour’s establishment wants to crucify

Former Murphy aide McTernan back on offensive in anti-Corbyn rant

Jeremy Corbyns's Scottish tour

Ken Macintosh: I will work with any and all progressive politicians

Kezia Dugdale: Our mission is to take Holyrood to task but to also renew our vision