YES, alright, I’m happy to admit that I did exaggerate a little in some columns prior to the first referendum on Scottish independence. Such were the increasingly more bizarre claims being made by Better Together during the campaign that it was difficult not to. With each passing week it seemed that if assorted Scottish Labour lordships and Ruth Davidson were to be believed, an independent Scotland would resemble a cross between communist Albania and Winterfell in Game of Thrones. They didn’t really say that Scotland would look like this but you catch my drift.

They also seemed to imply that so nasty and divisive was the referendum that it seemed we would need a UN peacekeeping force to maintain order on the streets in the stygian gloom of a barbaric independent Scotland. Yes, Yes, I know they didn’t exactly say that we’d need to send for the bluecaps but in my defence I attended two of Gordon Brown’s referendum speeches and I swear on all that’s holy that I heard him say the NHS would be destroyed. I also heard him warn that pension pots would be emptied and that we would all be much more able to deal with economic adversity with the broad shoulders of the Union to shelter us from the gathering storms of life after separation.

READ MORE: Gordon Brown’s Scottish independence NHS claim is ‘nonsense’

Unprotected exposure to a lengthy Gordon Brown speech forecasting Armageddon does strange things to a soul. If you’ve never actually sat through one in its entirety I can only say it’s like when the Dementors appear in the Harry Potter films. Black clouds begin to form and the birds stop singing. You’d be scared even if the Iron Chancer was announcing that you’d won the lottery and then started singing You Are My Sunshine.

Yet, Brown does bring a certain gravitas to proceedings with his sonorous delivery and his big, dark coupon. If the apocalypse were to occur in my lifetime I feel that the Lord would choose him to announce who is to be saved and who is to be condemned.

To paraphrase Johnny Cash in The Man Comes Around: “And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts. And I looked, and behold, a pale horse, and his name that sat on him was Broon, and hell followed with him.” The Remain side during the EU referendum missed a trick by not inviting Broon to carry the message to the masses.

READ MORE: Greg Moodie: Gordon Brown eats Runrig

“And lo, it shall come to pass,” I can hear him declaiming in Sunderland or Hartlepool. “Verily, the crops shall wither in their fields and the turnips turn black. Yea, and there shall be no medicines and your sickly bairns will die at their mothers’ breasts. You will be forced to feed on the scraps from Jacob’s dinner table and there will be wailing and stashing of beef.” In the event of a second EU vote they should call for Broon and this time he won’t need to exaggerate.

Braes Of Killiecrankie: Here’s an idea to police new border

THERESA May, whose multi-millionaire husband has benefited from the carve-up of the NHS in England and Wales, finally admitted that a no-deal Brexit “wouldn’t be the end of the world”. What she meant of course is that it wouldn’t be the end of the world for her and her multi-millionaire husband and for Brexiteers insulated by inherited wealth and land. 

At the same time the former European Council president Herman Van Rompuy predicted that no deal would inevitably lead to Scottish independence. 

READ MORE: Former EU chief warns Tories no-deal Brexit will increase indy support

“The no-deal issue is not just a problem for the UK or Brussels,” Van Rompuy said. “It is also an existential threat to the UK itself.”

We also know that Jacob Rees-Mogg’s hedge fund has increased its presence in the Republic of Ireland to soften the impact of the fallout from Brexit. Each week brings us news of prominent Brexiters such as former chancellor Nigel Lawson making plans to decamp to Europe when the balloon goes up.

The National:

This comes as Rees-Mogg unveiled his plan to challenge Irish citizens seeking to travel to the north, just like during the good old days of the Troubles. I’m told a sample script exists (a work in progress, admittedly) issued by Rees-Mogg’s aides for border guards in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

“Halt, who goes there?”

“It’s Paddy McGinty.”

“State your country of origin.”

“I’m an Oirisher, sur.”

“Do you hereby pledge allegiance to Her Britannic Majesty during your stay within her realm.”

“Oi certainly do and oi’ll continue to do so as long as her loyal subjects keep pouring me points of the black stuff, begging your pardon, sur.”

I relish the prospect of similar checks at the border between an independent Scotland which is a member of the EU and England. In such circumstances English border guards will be expected to sort out illegal immigrants from non-EU countries and authentic Scots visiting for a stag weekend in Newcastle. 

“Do you know the words to the song The Braes Of Killiecrankie?”
 As the Kaiser Chiefs once sang, I predict a riot.

Dog-collar ban sparks new Tory memo

A FASCINATING item appeared during yesterday’s BBC breakfast show. It featured the story about the banning of electronic dog collars which shock the animals into obedience.

READ MORE: Michael Gove in U-turn over shock collars for dogs and cats

A supporter of these devices made a case for them by claiming they are necessary for owners who have encountered difficulties controlling wayward dogs, especially those which have experienced some trauma. He seemed to be saying that in rare instances these collars might be deemed good for such dogs if used sparingly and humanely. 

The National:

This was dismissed eloquently by an opponent of electronic collars who insisted that they could never be justified and that what was required was love and patience for troubled beasts. 

I found myself hoping that some members of the Tory Government weren’t watching as it could lead to big ideas forming in small minds. You don’t need to look very far for Tories who prize their animals more than troublesome humans.

The late and very colourful Tory MP Alan Clark in his deliciously indiscreet political memoir memorably recalled being grief-stricken at having to shoot a heron which was helping itself to too many fish in the river of his country estate. It was the most emotional passage in the entire book. And it takes a certain type of mind to remain impervious to the suffering of families who can’t access benefits under new DWP restrictions.

Memo from Tory Central Office: “Let’s see if we can’t put those banned electronic dog collars to some decent use, what. They might come in handy at playtime in our under-performing schools. And soon we won’t need to worry about that damned EU human rights legislation.”