THE British Government is coming under pressure to publish the findings of its own civil servants, who have examined the possible outcomes of three scenarios of a no-deal Brexit, and have found that the only thing that distinguishes a no-deal Brexit from a zombie apocaplypse is the lack of actual zombies.

Although given that here in Scotland we have a British nationalist media which specialises in eating people’s brains, and Ruth Davidson and Michael Gove stalk the earth advancing their careers in an equally unscrupulous manner, there’s not really any difference from a zombie apocalypse at all.

Even under the best possible outcome, the British Government’s own civil servants are still predicting that the port of Dover would come to a standstill, and the M20 motorway in Kent would be transformed into a giant car park. According to one of the three scenarios studied by the civil servants, imports would all but cease, Scotland and Northern Ireland would run out of medicines and petrol within a fortnight, and our supermarket shelves would be emptied faster than Theresa May can suck all joy and life out of any room that she enters.

What’s even more frightening is that the scenario under which this is forecast for Scotland and Northern Ireland isn’t even the worst-case one. The one thing we can be quite certain of, however, is that even under the worst-case scenario, where British Government’s terminal idiocy has created a Scotland all but indistinguishable from a zombie apocalypse movie, Ruth Davidson will still be stalking the land demanding that Thatessempee use the powers that it has to mitigate the disaster.

All of this is infinitely worse, more threatening to jobs and livelihoods, and more disastrous to the economy than even the most lurid predictions of the Better Together campaign during the 2014 referendum, with the possible exception of the scare stories of George “Calamity” Robertson. Those warnings were plastered all over the front pages of our newspapers, and occupied every second of Reporting Scotland which weren’t devoted to cute kittens, murders, or the fitba.

The same vast amount of publicity was given to warnings which were entirely imaginary, such as Margeret Curran’s claim that she’d be alienated from her weans because they might have different passports, or then-defence secretary Phillip Hammond’s warning that an independent Scotland would have no defence from threats from outer space.

However this past week the British nationalist press in Scotland has preferred to concentrate its efforts on slagging off the Scottish Government’s Growth Commission report instead of warning people in Scotland about a British Government report which foretells your actual doom and devastation.

Because, you know, it’s far more realistic and a greater service to the people of Scotland to attack proposals for getting out of a disaster than it is to warn people about damaging effects of the disaster itself.

Never mind the breakdown of civilisation which the negligence of the British Government may bring about, an independent Scotland won’t be in control of its own monetary supply policy during the first few years of an independent state.

While the UK threatens us with Apocalypse Now, the British nationalist press in Scotland is far more concerned about Apocalypse Nerd.

This may not be unconnected to the fact that warning people about a looming disaster which is being entirely created by the selfish idiocies of the Brexiteers in the British Government might tempt people to wonder whether remaining a part of a deeply dysfunctional UK really is in Scotland’s best interests.

It’s an indication of just how deeply the Cringe runs in some people that even when faced with the potential of utter disaster and economic devastation due to the negligence of a British Government for whom Scotland’s interests don’t even figure in their top-100 list of priorities, there are still people in Scotland who refuse to accept that Scotland could possibly make any better decisions for itself.

You must think that Scotland is spectacularly incapable, lacking in ability, and bereft of talent in order to imagine that an independent Scotland would be unable to ensure that supermarkets have food on the shelves and hospitals have medicines.

Yet that is precisely what the British Government’s own civil servants are warning might happen within the UK. So how’s that safety, security and stability of the UK working out for us all then?

Meanwhile, and despite the dire warnings from the British Government’s own civil servants, it transpires that Trade Secretary Liam Fox has been so exercised about the damaging potential of a no-deal Brexit that the committee he is in charge of to develop strategies to deal with it has met just once in the past three weeks.

And it’s not as if Liam has got many other things to do. His job is all about making trade deals which he can’t start to make until the UK is already out of the EU.

However according to the people leading us to this calamity, none of it is their fault. It’s all the fault of Brexiteers in the civil service not being enthusiastic and patriotic enough. It’s all the fault of those dastardly Europeans for not giving the UK all the advantages of remaining a part of the EU even after it’s left. Because we won the war you know. And 1966. And royal weddings.

This is a mess that’s being caused by the deep rooted belief in British nationalists of British exceptionalism. It’s a mess that is being caused by the mismatch between their concept of Britain’s place in the world, and the reality that the UK is a medium-sized European state and not anything special at all.

Nationalism is indeed proving deeply damaging to Scotland, it’s just that it’s British nationalism and not Scottish nationalism that is so harmful to our prospects.