Dear Angry,

I am writing to you anonymously with a deeply embarrassing personal confession. I think I am sexually attracted to the Queensferry Crossing. I haven’t made a habit of being aroused by freshly constructed cable-stayed bridges in the past, however, with its overall length of 2.7 kilometres, dual two-lane carriageway – with hard shoulders – and towers reaching heights of 207 meters, it’s safe to say that this crossing is somewhat of a babe.

At first, I thought it was just the elaborate light show to celebrate her opening. I figured it might be akin to finding someone extremely attractive in the dimly lit, yet flashy environment of a nightclub, only to discover that they’ve got a face like a foot when you go outside. Not the case here. Even in harsh daylight, the bridge is still a knockout. Moreover, she’s Scottish. I mean really Scottish. Frankly, I think we missed a trick by not giving her a tartan paint job or installing speakers that pump out Flower of Scotland and Proclaimers songs 24 hours a day.

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I’m saying all this knowing how deeply insane it sounds, but frankly, I’m smitten. I spent yesterday going round jewellery shops wondering what sort of ring my Queensferry would like the most. I feel so ashamed and yet it all feels so right on the inside. Do you think she’ll like me back?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t think you should necessarily be ashamed of your longings for the Queensferry Crossing. Scotland has been voted the most beautiful country in the world, and this is hardly surprising when you consider how sexy its inhabitants, scenery and landmarks are. Moreover, there seems to be an ever increasing trend of humans projecting profound emotions on to inanimate objects. Only a few weeks ago, MPs were shedding tears for Big Ben. As much as some laughed at a glorified vigil for a clock, many of those cynics later enjoyed what was ostensibly a disco for a bridge.

Although I do not share your fervent fetish for the crossing, I do think that Queensferry is an incredible feat of engineering. Whether or not this makes it an exclusively Scottish achievement is somewhat up for debate, as two of the major companies involved were based in Denmark and Sweden. However, it is undeniable that it was the SNP government who instigated the project and created its contractual bidding war via Transport Scotland. As such, I believe that the SNP should be infinitely proud of the bridge, and take due credit for its first-rate erection. Indeed, it was somewhat disappointing that Nicola Sturgeon, or another SNP representative, was not allowed to formally open the crossing. This responsibility was rather illogically assumed by the Queen.

Watching a monarch, who had nothing to do with the Queensferry Crossing’s construction, snipping the ribbon made little sense to me at all. I dare say it made little sense to the First Minister as well (although she can’t say anything because she’s still pretending to like the monarchy for the votes). Certainly, the Queen, ostensibly the UK’s Chief Unionist, symbolically slapping a Union Jack on to a project that had little to do with the UK, and much more to do with the Scottish government working with international engineering firms, is rather brazen. Moreover, the fact that Unionist parties spent the last few years regularly whinging about the bridge’s development only makes it more shamelessly deceitful.

In this sense, many of the SNP government’s ventures are treated like Andy Murray tennis matches — when they go well, they’re British, and if they go badly, they’re Scottish. In this instance, the Queensferry Crossing is, on some nonsensical level, supposed to represent Britishness as indicated by the Queen opening it. However, one suspects that had the venture been a disaster, it would immediately have been branded as the by-product of dangerous Scottish nationalism. This is deeply frustrating at a time when the SNP is about to roll out the most ambitious programme for government seen in years.

As much as arousing yourself by applying hard-line Scottish nationalism to developments, ideas and accomplishments is a bit taboo, it’s infinitely more foolish to let British patriots in some way take credit for what are undeniably plans of Scottish origin. What the SNP are set to do with their programme for government will no doubt be achieved by a whole variety of humans of different political persuasions in both the private and public sectors, however, the instigation of this legislative programme is down to the SNP alone. We should never lose sight of the fact that our desire for Scottish independence is leading to incredibly progressive ideas being implemented by the Scottish government; meanwhile British nationalism is fuelling the dark forces of Brexit and the Tories.