DEAR Angry, I’m extremely concerned by the youth of today. Now, this may just sound like the systematic whining of a middle-aged man, but I firmly believe that there’s more to it than that. You see, my teenage son and his pals are, quite honestly, ruining my life with their obsession with Jeremy Corbyn. Exactly how they have come to find themselves so besotted with an elderly man who enjoys gardening is, frankly, baffling to me. All the same, I shall state the facts in hope that you can help me.

It all began when I took them to Glastonbury a few months ago. I’ve attended Glastonbury many times in the past and always enjoyed it. This year, I assumed, would be no different. However, Corbyn’s appearance completely spoiled it for me. I was looking forward to seeing Toots And The Maytals and The Jacksons, but the screams of “ohhhh Jeremy Corbyn!” completely harshed my buzz. I mean, how can you sing that to “Pressure Drop”? It makes no sense!

Worse still was trying to talk to the boys over a beer. When I asked them how the festival was going, all they could talk about was how much of an “absolute lad” Corbyn was. What does this even mean? I’m at my wit’s end here! I even offered to purchase some weed for them, but they turned it down, saying Jeremy wouldn’t approve. What should I do? I don’t have a problem with most of Jeremy’s politics, but this “Corbynmania” nonsense is driving me potty!”
Barry
Wolverhampton

DEAR Barry, I’m not a doctor, but it sounds to me as though your son and his pals may have caught a bug. Entirely conceivable at a music festival. I’m not sure, but it sounds like a possible epidemic of Corbynitis, also known as the Whooping Corbs. While this affliction is extremely contagious, it is generally considered to be physically harmless. However, it can prove to be severely irritating to non-sufferers. Indeed, communication with your teenager is likely to become more or less unbearable until this sickness leaves his body.

Whilst infected, your lad will struggle to give you a straight answer about his student debt, or whether or not he agrees with the Tory government on Brexit. Other negative side effects will include him holding contradictory views on nuclear weapons, blindly supporting the Venezuelan government and believing that the Labour Party will deliver a socialist utopia … even though most of their MPs clearly aren’t socialists. Your son will also be completely unable to recognize villainy, and will often condemn violence on all sides of political matters, particularly ones he’s mouthed off about in the past.

Incredibly, these traits aren’t even the most maddening aspect of Corbynitis. That title is unquestionably reserved for its dreadful linguistic impairment. You may now just have to grit your teeth and accept that “absolute boy” is the only way your teen can describe the Labour leader, or anyone else he likes for the foreseeable future. You must also beware of your son chanting Corbyn’s moniker to song choruses that don’t work with a five-syllable name. Worse yet, he might start blurting out offensive phrases like “NME provide the best music journalism in the business”.

As far as I can tell, there is no immediate remedy for this unfortunate condition; it could last until Jeremy Corbyn departs the political scene, and even then we cannot be entirely sure. As bad as all of this sounds, the ailment does have a few upsides. For one thing, your son will never vote Conservative while he has Corbynitis. He will also be kind to animals, the environment and humans less fortunate than himself. Not to mention the consequential health benefits your teen will receive via his newfound love of cycling. Furthermore, the illness causes no physical blemishes other than scruffy beard growth and a slight impact on fashion. Do not be alarmed if your son starts wearing sports jackets and socks with sandals, but do consider grounding him if he attempts to turn your back garden into an allotment.

If nothing else, be thankful that your son caught a comparatively innocuous infection at a music festival and not something truly humiliating like Nigelpocks, Moggorrhea or the dreaded Johnson Warts at a Young Conservatives gathering. Nonetheless, if you do seek an urgent treatment, you could try writing to Jeremy Corbyn in the hope that he himself will join the fight against Corbynitis. After all, since Corbyn was the cause of this virus, it figures that he could also be the cure. Perhaps by encouraging Jeremy to say what he actually means will allow millennials to do the same. The delusionary state that Corbynitis creates is possibly its most precarious property, and one that only Jeremy Corbyn can remedy.