LIKE most other right-minded citizens I was appalled and distressed at the recent unwarranted attempt to publish a list of donors to Scotland in Union. It was obvious to many that the misguided scallywag who secured this list was seeking to discredit this blameless pro-Union organisation. By suggesting that it was bank-rolled mainly by a decadent assortment of privileged English aristocrats who viewed Scotland merely as an all-inclusive country sports destination, the whistle-blower deliberately set out to cause bad blood and aggravation in a constitutional fight which has thus far been characterised by mutual respect and a sense of common Scottish decency.

Luckily though, there remains some virtue in the otherwise foul and rancid world of modern Scottish politics. The list of donors fell into the hands of the Reverend Stuart Campbell, who edits and operates the Wings Over Scotland website. The Rev Campbell, nobly lived up to the lofty demands of his office and refused to publish the names. Some cynical types have suggested that the Rev Campbell only desisted from this course of action following an intervention from Messrs Squeeze, Throttle and Ruinne, the well-known media law firm. But my sources tell me that the Reverend was moved only by considerations of decency and fair play.

The angst of those whose names appeared on this list was understandable. For who would want to be seen to be associated with an outfit who think that tartan trews aren’t just for Burns Suppers and that Scottish independence is the favoured political position of the Prince of Darkness? This outfit also includes those who managed to lose almost one million No voters to the nationalist camp in less than two years. So you can see why no one would want to be publicly associated with it.

Now, it seems, another tranche of what has come to be known as the Anathema Papers has been leaked and has found its way into the possession of your humble scribe here. On this occasion I’m happy to take my cue from the Rev Campbell and refuse to divulge any details that might lead to identification.

This document seems to be the running order of the forthcoming Scotland in Union Burns Supper fundraising event together with a list of raffle prizes and silent auction lots. I have no hesitation in publishing this as it’s good to know that everything is ship shape and Bristol fashion with our Unionist friends and that there are no hard feelings. And who knows, in a spirit of fellowship and goodwill perhaps some big-spirited readers of The National could donate some items for the tombola stall.

It seems, too, that our friends at Scotland in Union have a sharp sense of humour. They claim that many of the prizes and auction lots are of a type that money simply can’t buy. And their top auction prize certainly falls into that category. It’s none other than a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to play a starring role in the forthcoming Party Political Broadcast for the Scottish Conservative and Unionist Party along with the former British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. The lucky winner will get to play my esteemed National colleague the Wee Ginger Dug. I can reveal that the working title of the party political broadcast is “What The Union Has Done For Us”. This gently lampoons The Dug as the good-natured Brown patiently explains to him his thinking behind his universally acclaimed PPI initiatives that have transformed the social landscape of modern Britain.

Amongst the other star prizes is an all-expenses-paid tour of food banks in some of the West of Scotland’s most colourful and edgy neighbourhoods. The lucky winner will be flown by private jet laid on by Lord and Lady Blackmore-Gillan and will be wined and dined in five-star luxury at the private residence of the Duke of Bucludgie on the Royal Mile. From there a bullet-proofed Daimler will ferry the winner and his partner around some specially selected areas of Glasgow. Armed guards will be on hand at all times in case of any unexpected truculence by the natives. The rise in food banks has been one of the great success stories of the Union between our two great countries and a heart-warming symbol of community action.

One of my favourite lots is a very rare, signed copy of the score of a symphony written by Scotland’s greatest living composer Jimmy McGurk. Based on the true story of Satan’s Fall from Heaven, it depicts life in an independent Scotland as hell on Earth where the first-born of every Scottish family are routinely sacrificed in pagan rituals. Alex Salmond plays Satan.

I was also struck by another prize simply called: Scotland’s Last Barrel of Oil. This is an authentic wooden cask salvaged from the vaults of Sir Ian Wood’s oil company and comes with a certificate of authentication that certifies that this is indeed the last barrel of oil ever produced by Scotland’s barren oil fields. It is signed by the great man himself.

However, my personal favourite is a frail parchment of ancient papyrus that has been gifted by the ancient museum of biblical artefacts in Mesopotamia. It is none other than a previously unknown copy of one of the Dead Sea Scrolls that are said to be an eyewitness account of the authentic life of Jesus.

On it are a few verses written in the Aramaic language which appear to show that from a very young age the well-known Saviour of the World was a staunch supporter of the Union and that His miracle of the Loaves and the Fishes was an early influence on the Department of Work and Pensions’ Universal Credit calculations.

There’s also the actual Benson and Hedges cigarette box on the back of which the legendary Vow that saved the Union was written. The elegant but spidery scrawl of Murray Foote, the legendary Daily Record editor, is a pure giveaway … as are the three unsmoked Benson and Hedges cigarettes, each of which themselves could fetch a pretty price on eBay.

Lot 666 is an old bridle belonging to one of the four horses of the Apocalypse. The big stallions ware seen grazing in the lawn outside Holyrood on the day of the Sunday Times poll which put Yes ahead in the week of the independence referendum.

And there’s a half-drunk bottle of vintage Mumm, Cordon Rouge 2006 Champagne that still bears the lipstick of the former Glasgow East Labour MP Margaret Curran.

This is from the morning of September 19, 2014, and is a unique memento of that wonderful occasion when the Labour Party and the Conservatives united in glorious harmony to defeat the vile forces of Scottish Nationalism.

It only remains for me to wish my esteemed Scotland in Union brothers and sisters all the very best in their fundraising efforts for what is a great wee cause.