DEAR Angry,

I just wanted to take the time to write to you to tell you that you are by far the best thing about The National newspaper. With all due respect to Patrick Kane and that guy who writes in Gaelic, you are the primary reason I keep buying the paper. Without reading your fractured take on global politics, filtered through the cause of Scottish independence, I honestly don’t know how I would survive each Thursday.

Moreover, your Twitter account has accumulated over 80,000 followers – which is way more than many of The National’s other contributors combined. You have used this social media platform to promote tirelessly the case for Scottish independence – and The National itself. I sincerely hope that you are paid well for these services, as you have never lowered yourself to one of those cringeworthy crowdfunding exercises. In fact, I pray that the powers-that-be at Newsquest have the good sense to increase your salary tenfold.

As you have likely gathered from my preceding words, I have greatly enjoyed your work during 2017. Needless to say, I’m also looking forward to reading more of your hilarious and witty articles in 2018.

Do you have any New Year’s resolutions? What are your thoughts on the year ahead? Surely, it can only bring 12 months of increased support and campaigning for Scottish independence and more outstanding writing from yourself in this excellent publication? I wish you nothing but the best in your continuing affiliation with The National.

THANK you for your kind and entirely accurate words. I have absolutely no doubt that Newsquest know talent, business and marketing opportunities when it sees them. Accordingly, I expect we can look forward to a long and happy relationship together. Evidently, however, the same cannot be said of Scotland and Westminster.

Without question, 2017 has been one of the most ridiculous years in living political memory. Only the SNP seem to have come out of it relatively unscathed, despite a number of smear campaigns by Unionist publications. The Tories, meanwhile, have seemingly consolidated their power at Westminster at the expense of party unity, with the ridiculous concept of Brexit seemingly causing a number of Tory MPs to rebel against the party line. Perhaps unsurprisingly then, it would seem that the biggest threat to Conservative rule is now, um, the Conservatives.

Labour have once again proven themselves to be the lamest of lame ducks, with the Corbyn bubble bursting in the wake of a pro-Brexit, pro-WMD, anti-SNP agenda. It seems that the party that only a few months ago seemed destined to be elected to government, are once again lost up their own backsides. Consequently, with no serious opposition on hand to dethrone them, careerist Tory buffoons have taken it upon themselves to fight over who is best suited to screw up finances and take money from poor people.

If anything, 2017 has essentially been a year-long Tory facepalm in which a Cabinet of morons repeatedly defraud the public in the name of “taking back power”. Meanwhile, Scotland has opposed all of this, instead preferring to pine for a nation built on respect, decency and equality.

The last 12 months have been a battle against the alt-right both domestically and abroad, and Scotland has done herself proud by being a loud voice for social justice at a time when something as belligerent and idiotic as Donald Trump’s presidency is playing out.

Incredibly, the Wotsit-faced goon looks set to survive his first full calendar year in the White House. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think he has actually done anything except promote himself, insult minorities, whine about artificial media and play golf. He hasn’t even visited the barber and got himself a normal haircut yet. Even more tragically, the British Prime Minister is only a few steps behind her American counterpart in terms of offensiveness and buffoonery – and yet neither has been removed.

As many decent and gifted people across the world face the sack, 2017 might be remembered as the year when failing upwards became the norm. Will any of this change once we cross into 2018? Well, on the face of it, next year looks likely to be another challenging time period for people who hate fascism, racism, sexism and other forms of prejudice, stupidity and dishonesty. Thus, my new year’s resolution is quite simply to fight: to fight inequality, racism, fascism, ignorance and every other virus that seems to run rampant in modern world politics. I’d suggest that yourself and others do likewise.

And while you’re at it, make sure to drink lots, have plenty of sex and remember that the whole world belongs to everybody.

Editor: Thanks for Angry for all his contributions to the paper over the past two years. It’s been a blast.