ANT: Welcome folks to the first episode of our exciting new show: “I’m A Scottish Labour Leader… Get Me Out Of Here!” Taking part, we have eight – yes a whole eight – contestants who have led Her Majesty’s Scottish Labour Party at one point or another in only the past 37 months. That’s five boys and three girls who are just thrilled to be here with nobody’s company but each other. Let’s hear it for Johann, Anas, Jim, Iain, Kezia, Alex, Jackie and last but only latest, Dick.

DEC: Of course, the boys and girls will have to take time off the day job for their jungle jaunt. Not that the jungle here in Aussie Land is a patch on the jungle that is the Scottish Labour Party. But don’t worry, folks, they will be amply rewarded. A top-flight celeb earns £250,000 for appearing on a show like “I’m A Celebrity…” Katie Price scooped the pool with a pay cheque of £400,000. Of course, knowing our Scottish Labour Leaders, money is not the motivating factor. Isn’t that right, Anas?

ANAS (humbly): I’ve already announced I’m signing over my family shareholdings to a discretionary trust, Declan. I did this out of the goodness of my own heart and not because I wanted to be leader of the party. Anyway, I was leader for five minutes between Iain and Jim, so I’ve had my moment of fame. And an expensive one it has been.

ANT: And here we have Kezia, who was Scottish Labour leader three leaders ago. Tell me Kezia, do you think you can cope with snakes?

KEZIA: Thanks Ant. It is such a privilege to be on “I’m A Scottish Labour Leader… Get Me Out Of Here”. I enjoyed every second of my time as the Scottish party’s leader, which is why I quit after only two years, so someone else can have all the fun. And yes, I’ve had a lot of experience with snakes so the Bushtucker Trial will be a piece of kangaroo testicles as far as I’m concerned. Being Scottish Labour Leader is the perfect training for coping with tarantulas, cockroaches, crocodile penises and dead animals as a whole. Just makes me nostalgic thinking about it. After Scottish Labour, who wouldn’t want to hide in the Australian Outback?

ANT: And what do you say, Kezia, to those people back home living on Universal Credit, who say you should be representing the people of Lothian Region, a job you were elected to do and for which you earn £58,000 per annum? That’s twice the average wage in Scotland.

KEZIA: I’ve no regrets, Ant. For starters, I am only a list MSP. I was soundly beaten in the Edinburgh Eastern constituency by the SNP’s Ash Denham by 5087 votes. So she can jolly well deal with Universal Credit cases this Christmas. I need to be somewhere warm, like Australia.

DEC: Thanks, Kezia. Now remember folks, you have to vote on which of our contestants pair up with each other for the Dingo Dollar Challenge. The first challenge will be to explain the Labour party’s position on Brexit: hard, soft, or make it up by the day? So get ready on those red buttons.

ANT: And we have the pairings, lad. Anas will go with Dick. I’ve seen pictures of them hugging after Dick won the latest Scottish Labour leadership contest. They must really, really like each other. Johann will side up with Jim. Not many people remember Jim, these days. Tell me Jim, could you cope with the first Bushtucker Trial? It involves being pelted with rotten crocodile eggs.

JIM: Don’t worry, Ant, the six months I managed as Scottish Labour leader have put me in pole position to win this contest. Remember, I was Minister of State for Europe! You don’t remember? Never mind – I’m still a whiz at collecting Dingo Dollars. When I was an MP, I claimed on expenses £4884 for a new bathroom and almost £2000 to pay my accountant to handle my tax returns. Can’t these folk on Universal Credit just hire better accountants?

DEC: What about you, Johann? Still claiming London Labour is run by dinosaurs and treating the Scottish Party as a branch office?

JIM: Let me answer that one, Dec. It is a lie to say that I ever undermined Johann when she was Scottish leader. It was never, ever the case that Labour MPs in London looked down on their Holyrood colleagues or ignored their advice. I’m sure Johann was misquoted.

DEC: And what have you to say, Johann?

JIM: Would viewers like to hear about my work with the Henry Jackson Society, that great US neo-con think tank dedicated to spreading free markets and American imperialism? This is the sort of good work that former Scottish Labour leaders do. Contrast that with Alex Salmond doing TV propaganda for the Kremlin. Why I…

ANT: Thanks, Jim but we need to move on. Here we are at Keith’s Kiosk in Croc Creek. Sharp-eyed viewers will see the old kiosk has had a makeover for this series. We’ve made it into a facsimile of the Subway sandwich shop in Central Station in which Iain Gray hid from anti-cuts protesters during the 2011 Holyrood election. Does it bring back memories, Iain? Didn’t you lose 20 seats and give Alex Salmond a historic overall majority?

IAIN: Looking forward to another kangaroo intestines sandwich, Ant. But you know, I’ve decided to take part in this programme so I can continue to protest that the SNP and Nicola Sturgeon talk about nothing other than independence. I dedicated my time as Labour Leader to denouncing the SNP’s fixation with independence. Independence will be the ruin of us all. Independence…

DEC: Thank you, Iain. Time now to talk to Dick, the latest in the Scottish Labour hot seat. How long do you think you’ll last, Dick? Your Westminster MPs are solidly anti-Corbyn and you only won the Scottish membership by a slim 636 majority. And why did 48 per cent of your eligible electorate abstain?

DICK: Just let me say, Mr Dec, that my first priority is to heal the wounds of division in the party and turn us outwards to rebuild the trust of the electorate. I’ll get around to that straight after I’ve dealt with Alex, Kezia and Anas.

DEC: We have been contacted by Ofcom, the TV regulator, to say they have had a record number of complaints about our contestant Jim eating a live water spider on camera. I’m afraid we’ve run out of time to talk to Jackie, but then she was only Scottish Labour leader for a couple of days.

ANT: Which of our eight contestants will be King and Queen of the Jungle? That folks – as always – depends on your votes. To win, our Z-list celebs will need to be forward-thinking, innovative and willing to cooperate with each other. Plus they will need to show warm personalities that capture the public imagination. So no problem, then.

DEC: A final thought. They say politics is showbiz for ugly people. That’s too harsh. But we’ve just seen lots of crocs, kangaroos and dingoes fleeing the jungle.

CONTESTANTS: Vote for me!