The National's Agony Uncle answers YOUR problems

Is there any justification for voting Tory? – Andy, Townhead

Irvine Welsh once tweeted: “When you’re not doing so well, vote for a better life for yourself. If you are doing quite nicely, vote for a better life for others.”

This seems rational to me, but this sort of thinking is anathema to the self-centred Tories, who seem to equate wealth with decency and poverty with filthiness. As such, it suits the Tories to feed the rich and starve the poor, perpetuating the divide and ruling as pigs.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the Tories have come to be acknowledged as the “nasty party” in British politics. Thus, it follows that those who vote for a “nasty party” are likely to be nasty people. Now, no-one likes to be labelled as such, but then, no-one likes to rely on food banks or be forced into proving sexual assault either. Tories advocate both. Nasty, no?

This week, the Conservatives came to Parliament to “justify” the abhorrent rape clause. However, it was clear that the Tory plan was simply to spout garbage soundbites, show no remorse, take zero interventions, and hope biased media coverage would make them look like pragmatic financial minds.

This is becoming a recurring theme with the Tories, as they increasingly refuse to take part in debate, and rely more and more on the right-wing media to keep the public stupid. For example, Ruth Davidson was recently photographed riding on an off-road mobility scooter; however, the press were reluctant to point out the hypocrisy of this when Tory cuts are stopping hundreds of disabled people gaining access to Motability vehicles.

Astonishingly, the Conservatives claim to commit these foul acts in the name of “fairness”. That’s right; the party presently under investigation for election fraud believe they have the right to lecture us about justice. In the Tory mind, rape victims have to pay for the Conservative Government’s mismanagement of the economy. According to this dark logic, life must become harder for those who have suffered the worst sexual assault, while noble actions such as scrapping the UK’s extortionate WMD programme and chasing tax evaders are passed over.

All of this Tory nastiness is aggressively smoke-screened by Union Jacks. Conservatives do not want people to look at their policies, but instead focus on their now-rampant British nationalism. They do not want people to comprehend what they represent, but instead focus on what they stand against – Scottish independence. You see, Tories have to define themselves by what they’re not, rather than what they are…because what they are is horrific.

Conservatives say they offer “strong leadership and stability”, but neither is true. Tories create stability like dog crap shines your shoes. They offer strong leadership like a wolf offers a safe environment for sheep. Voting “tactically” for the Tories makes about as much tactical sense as setting off a grenade in your own trench. All evidence considered, it is clear that the Tories are targeting the mindlessly patriotic, the heartlessly greedy and the wilfully ignorant at this election. Ruth Davidson desperately wants to make her narrative “anti-SNP = pro-Tory”.

This is nonsense. There are plenty of non-Tory alternatives to the SNP.

Voting Conservative because you think the SNP are doing a bad job with public services is like voting for a tsunami because there’s damp in your house. If you don’t like Nicola Sturgeon, vote for the Greens or something, but do not lower yourself to the bottom of the barrel with the Scottish Tories.

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Roll up, roll up for May's circus! Maybe not

Why is Boris Johnson set to play a diminished role in the 2017 GE campaign? – Jillian, Glasgow

Speculation is rife in the press that Boris Johnson, the supposed “star” of the fib-tastic Vote Leave campaign in 2016, is set to play a reduced role in Theresa May’s General Election campaign, largely as a consequence of his clownish tendencies and ability to talk nonsense at length.

Indeed, it’s pretty incredible that Boris Johnson cannot be trusted to spearhead Theresa May’s campaign, yet is happily trusted with engagements relating to foreign diplomacy. Could it be that Theresa May is putting her own hunger for power ahead of the interests of Great Britain? Surely not!

The National:

While Boris is unquestionably a nincompoop, I’m not quite convinced that he is the only Joker in the Tory deck. Boris certainly boasts the textbook buffoonish background, but he’s far from the only Tory politician with the ability to de-pants himself on an international stage.

In fact, the full list of Theresa May’s clowns reads like the cast of a comedic farce. Unfortunately for all of us, we are the audience whether we desire to be or not … unless we can find the fire exit. In the short term, it might prove to be easier to change the director and alter the cast.