TODAY

GIRL IN A BAND, BBC4, 10pm

This documentary strips away any glamour which comes with being a female popstar. The X Factor generation might think being in a girl band is all about false eyelashes, stylists and jetting to LA, but this programme shows the dark – very dark – side.

It begins back in the early days when all-female groups were rare, and so any woman who joined a band would be performing alongside men, and so would usually be tagged as “the girl singer” or “the other one”, never given recognition as a singer in her own right. And when an all-girl band did finally appear in the United States they were given the rather undignified name of FANNY.

But mockery or lack of attention were the least of their worries. All-girl groups were also subject to rape and assault. The British female punk band, The Slits, said they had to literally run down the street to escape men trying to attack them. By rejecting typical femininity and taking on the male rock star role in front of the microphone, many men felt threatened and angered, and we hear of girls in America being raped by their managers. “Motherf*ckers,” says one woman who witnessed the violence.

CITIZEN KHAN, BBC1, 8.30pm

THIS sitcom is a marvel. I mean that quite literally in that I marvel at this show: how can it exist? How is this possible? Can such things be?

And I marvel at the fact that this is its fourth series. I repeat: its FOURTH. This sitcom has been commissioned again and again and again. Truly, I marvel.

It’s obvious I loathe this show. There is plenty to be loathed on TV, we all know that, but this one is remarkably loathsome because it is so bad. Other shows might be dull or derivative but very few and remarkably, appallingly, embarrassingly so.

And, it’s worth saying again, this is the FOURTH series. Pause to consider the good young comedy writers out there trying to get a break while this embarrassing stuff is being carelessly waved through the door of the BBC.

If you’ve never watched it then keep it that way, but you might wish to know it’s about a comedy Muslim family from Birmingham, and the first jokes of this episode derives from a blocked toilet and Mr Khan wearing a hat made from Cornflakes packets. Then they all set off on a family outing to historic Farley Manor. Will there be clever jokes made about the clash between old aristocratic Britain and its modern Muslims? No. No, there won’t.

TOMORROW

DOCTOR WHO BBC1, 8.15pm

OSGOOD is back and she’s here to deliver a warning us. There is a fiendish plot under way called Operation Double which aims to resettle a colony of aliens, known as Zygons, on Planet Earth. These aliens adopt human form and there are now millions of them living among unsuspecting humans. They’re not terrible baddies, she assures us. “They live in peace and harmony…mainly.” But there us now a fear that the Zygons might be unmasked or UNIT could be infiltrated, so humans need to be on their guard.

If the Zygons turn on us it will be known as “Nightmare Scenario” and the Doctor has kindly left her with a red box, only to be opened should the dreaded scenario occur. But, ah, the Zygons are cool, so don’t worry…

The Doctor is happily playing Amazing Grace on his electric guitar when he gets a message in the TARDIS from Osgood, simply reading: NIGHTMARE SCENARIO.

Soon he’s back in the 21st century and leaving a voicemail for Clara (sigh, she’s back), saying he’s staking out some terrifying beings – two cute wee schoolgirls in bunches. In a very un-21st century act he approaches them in the playground, saying, “Down off the monkey bars! We need to talk.”

GREAT CONTINENTAL RAILWAY JOURNEYS, BBC2, 7.30pm

WE follow in the footsteps of the wealthy Edwardian tourists in visiting Pisa, Florence and “glorious Lake Garda”, three essential locations on the itinerary of every Grand Tour.

Michael Portillo visits Pisa’s “Campanile” or, as we know it, The Leaning Tower, which leans as it is built on marshland so has soft foundations. Italy was beginning its own industrial revolution in the early twentieth century, and was enduring massive political change yet, to the genteel touring Edwardians, Italy was known as a simple and “sleepy” country to be strolled through and enjoyed – and patronised too, it seems. Arriving from clattering, smoking industrial Britain, Italy may have seemed softer and more peaceful but surely it’s difficult to imagine Italian cities being “sleepy”? We associate them now with traffic jams, beeping horns and little Vespas darting in and out of the cars, ad Portillo samples this “need for speed” by testing out a Maserati sports car.

Florence was not immune to the need for speed, industry and modernisation, although this Renaissance city was more concerned with the artistic side of it, with painters gathering in the city to brawl in the streets, trying to “defend Futurism with their fists”.

FACE OF BRITAIN WITH SIMON SCHAMA, BBC2, 9pm

IN this final episode, Schama looks at self-portraiture and he begins, not in a museum, but with clips from the horrendous Jeremy Kyle show, where the guests pour out the details of their miserable lives. Then he takes us to Tracy Emin’s unmade bed, which shows“half-squeezed lubricants made venerable.” This is where self-portraiture led us, he says, a blurting out of everything and the annihilation of any kind of privacy or reserve.

Self-portraits are so poignant and revealing, says Schama, because they are created by the merging of the two streams of thought: one is saying, “Check me out! Aren’t I something?” and the other wailing, “Look at me. Aren’t I a mess?”But they weren’t always popular. In the Middle Ages, the best artists were anonymous. Those who designed and decorated churches did it for God not fame. Nothing as personal and arguably self-indulgent as a portrait of the artist himself would have been acceptable: if you must paint someone, paint kings and saints.

The first artist to break the rule was William de Brailes who, in the 13th century, illuminated religious books and popped tiny little self-portraits inside, alongside the saints, demons and angels.

HOW TO BE QUEEN, C4, 8pm

THE royal family is described as “an endless source of scandal, gossip and embarrassment” yet many people tend to have a quiet fondness for the Queen, so how does she manage this popularity when surrounded by such a dysfunctional, distasteful, benefit-claiming family? This programme promises to reveal the Stay Out Of Politics: “you may be head of state but you’re not the boss”. Clips from The Queen where she humiliates a young and fawning Tony Blair who ends up kneeling awkwardly on the carpet to kiss her hand. She can’t exercise power but she can remind a Prime Minister that he’s merely “her tenth”, just one of many.

The next rule is Say Nothing. Maintain a “dignified silence” – so don’t give interviews. Of course, her petulant, silly family have hardly heeded this advice, with Charles and Di especially using the tabloids to score points against one another.

Other rules are that she mustn’t show emotion as no country could respect a Queen with a wobbly lip – and a crucial rule is producing an heir.

SUNDAY

EVERYTHING OR NOTHING: THE UNTOLD STORIES OF 007, STV, 4.50pm

THIS documentary commemorates the 50th anniversary of the James Bond film franchise, and explores the iconic spy through his creator, Ian Fleming, and its original producers, Albert Broccoli and Harry Saltzman.

It opens with reminiscences about Ian Fleming. He served in the Navy during the Second World War but was mainly confined to working and plotting behind a desk in London, and perhaps his frustrations at not being in the dangerous heart of the action planted the seed of James Bond?

Fleming was vulnerable to depression and “just after the war he lost his way. He said his mental hands were empty” and began experiencing “melancholia” so he fled to Jamaica for solace where he soon began drinking, zooming around in a speedboat and seducing the ladies. Sound familiar? Then the Cold War began and Fleming – at last - found something to trigger his energies. He threw off his depression and charged forward with a plan to write a tremendous spy thriller. “He found what he could do. Then he flew!” As the programme notes, “Bond could be what he couldn’t.”

Featuring interviews with Christopher Lee, Judi Dench and most of the actors who’ve played Bond (there’s no Sean Connery, sadly) this documentary celebrates Bond and the talented people who made him.

THE HUNT, BBC1, 9pm

DAVID Attenborough narrates this new series “the duels between hunter and hunted”, which explores the different techniques employed by various animals and how they cope with the unique challenges posed by their habitats.

A prowling leopard might instil much fear, but she is useless in the open. But she has learned strategies to get close, using cover to stay concealed.

Wild dogs, meanwhile, have developed their hunting prowess in packs. They’re stalking a wildebeest which is huge compared to them so their strategy is to make him run and wear him down in a long chase.

There’s a comical lizard who literally has eyes as big as his belly, but can only see prey if it moves, so many minutes are spent sitting beside sticks to determine if they are indeed sticks or perhaps delicious stick insects. If the insect makes a move he’ll be swallowed by the lizard’s tongue which, handily, is longer than his body.

JEKYLL AND HYDE, STV, 7pm

IN this series, Hyde is a good-looking Incredible Hulk rather than a terrifying demonstration of the duality of human nature, so this adaptation is scarcely faithful to the book but we can forgive that as we’re not in a library or bookshop. Instead we’re on the sofa with good old STV on a Sunday evening.

And we might be rather early on a Sunday evening; last week’s opening episode began at 6.30pm and, with the sexy women, monsters and baddies on show, lots of tiresome parents subsequently phoned the channel to complain.

So this week the show starts at 7pm, giving households an extra half hour to pack their brats off to bed so the rest of us can enjoy some good TV.

And this week’s episode involves sex too; Jekyll wakes up in a glamorous boudoir. He’s sleeping in silk sheets and there are feathers and jewellery scattered on the dressing table. Isabella – “I’m no nurse!” – sweeps into the bedroom in her lingerie and poor Jekyll looks quite perplexed.

“You’ve been asleep for three days, champ. Dead to the world. Don’t get over-excited, loverboy,” she tells him. As he’s dressing, he discovers the terrible knife wound in his back has vanished, and Isabella asks what he is, that he was able to withstand a deadly stab in the back. He leaves, determined to find his own answers.

DOWNTON ABBEY, STV, 9pm

LADY Mary’s new beau has invited the Crawleys to watch him race his cars at Brooklands, but Cora isn’t very impressed by him: “I don’t believe a professional driver with very little to look forward to will make her happy.” Mary has her doubts too, but remains drawn to him and he intends to dazzle and impress at the Brooklands race, telling her he has invited so many people because, “I want to surround you with people murmuring, “Isn’t he divine!”” Although it’s hard to look “divine” in the overalls, goggles and little leather shower cap he has to wear when racing.

Barrow, who used to be the scheming, below-stairs baddie, is going all soft. Carson is intent that he should leave as the house needs to be downsized – plus, he doesn’t like him – but poor Barrow confides in Mrs C that he doesn’t want to leave Downton as it’s the first place he has ever put down roots. She tries to encourage him, hinting that he might meet a nice eligible chap at a new house, but poor Barrow can’t be comforted.

This turns into another episode of high drama and emotion, pushing the boring hospital plot harshly out of the way.