IN CASE you’ve just landed from another planet and haven’t been following the election campaign as covered by the newspapers “dahn Sarf”, the SNP are bad. They’re really, really bad. The bad, bad SNP are badly bad, and Scottish people have gone collectively insane by supporting the bad SNP and “the most dangerous woman in Britain”. No Barbie doll is safe, you know.

But they don’t care, those hysterically bad, cultishly bad, stupid Scottish people with no respect for political plastic dolls, because they’re listening to the bad SNP. And that’s giving them ideas and the notion they can have an opinion that isn’t the same as a Daily Mail editorial. They ought to listen to the voice of reason instead, telling them they’re a bit rubbish. Scotland is not bad, just pathetic. Now let’s toss them a Barnett formula deep-fried heroin Mars bar and they’ll sit down and be quiet and we’ll hear no more about it.

Despite a campaign of fear, smear, and demonisation unprecedented since the last time there was a campaign of fear, smear and demonisation – which was only a few months ago – the media onslaught has not dented the inexorable rise of the SNP in Scottish opinion polls.

If anything, it’s given it a boost in that very Scottish “oh ye bluidy think so, ah’ll show ye then” sort of a way.

Labour had predicted that in the last days of the General Election campaign there would be a swing in the polls, and they were right. It’s just not been a swing in the direction they were hoping. And those polls, they just keep on swinging. Swinging like a prize boxer punching Labour’s hopes of re-election in the gob.

This week, a poll was released which showed that the SNP could even sweep the board and hoover up every seat in Scotland. The SNP has broken the political system again with a swing that has never been seen before, they’re the sultans of swing and they’re doing it on purpose, swinging, swingeing and singing.

Poor Labour, it don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that swing. It’s the worst crisis since the abdication, according to Theresa May, because the SNP getting most seats in Scotland is clearly worse than the Second World War and the Blitz. It’s worse than the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. It’s even worse than making the discovery that you’re older than Nigel Farage. But arguing the SNP should have no role in the government of the UK is an admission that Scotland is already another country.

Already there are calls from some quarters that the first-past-the-post system has to be reformed. Labour and the Tories were quite happy to put up with its unfairness as long as they were the beneficiaries, but now that someone else is benefitting, that’s unfairly unfair and can’t be allowed. Does anyone want to bet that they’ll only propose to change the voting system for Westminster elections in Scotland?

In Scotland Labour’s vote-share is now just a few points ahead of the Tories. This is not because the Tories are doing any better, it’s because in terms of their appeal to the Scottish electorate, Labour are as attractive as a deep fried scab from a mongrel with mange.

The party is blessed with the Samid touch, everything they touch turns to dlog, which is an ancient Celtic word meaning “less popular than a 1970s BBC radio DJ”. Gaelic is such an expressive language, isn’t it.

According to Sky News,

Jim Murphy BA Politics (not really) who is Labour’s branch office manager in Scotland – at least this week – received the news that he could be about to lose his job while he danced the hokey cokey in a retirement home for the benefit of some telly cameras. Still it was nice to see that he was getting in some practice for his future career. Nero fiddled while Rome burned, and Jim danced desperately like your dad at a wedding while Labour dissolved in the public’s disgust. Putting their right leg in because they don’t have a left. In, out, and shaking it all about, but mostly out. He’s got no sense of rhythm but it’s the closest he’s got to a swing. Jim is a man with his future behind him and Labour is the party of the pensioned-off. Dad dancing Jim is the image that’s going to define this campaign for the Labour party in Scotland.

This is happening because of the demonisation and the hatred. It’s happening because the Tory press and media is telling Middle England to be afraid of Aliqsammin, who’s a worse crisis than IS. Davie Cameron and Lynton Crosby think that it works to their advantage, Scotland is a pawn they can sacrifice in pursuit of votes in England, so they play up the

SNP scare. And all the while they hammer a wedge into the cracks in the Union.

Scotland is not the audience for this message, but we hear it loud and clear. We hear we can be sacrificed. Davie is in for a big shock. It’s not Aliqsammin he ought to be afraid of, it’s those Scottish people who are going to vote for a party which will rewrite the rules of a game the Tories and Labour have rigged in their favour for generations, and use it to secure what’s best for Scotland. Scotland will demand what’s due.

We’ve tried asking nicely, we’ve tried playing by Westminster’s rules. Now Westminster will play by ours.

It’s not over yet, polls are not votes. There’s still a week to go and a week is famously a long time in politics, but it’s hard to see what Labour can do at this late state to turn things around. It’s clear where the momentum lies. It lies with the party with rhythm, it lies with the sultans of swing, not the embarrassing dad dancer in the retirement home.