IF you speak Scots, dinna expect Scottish politicians tae gie twa hoots aboot yer language. Some o them patently cannae even manage wan. But if ye are a Scots speaker and ye’re used tae Scotland’s politicians pretendin yer language doesnae exist and isna warth a docken o siller or thocht, ye probably kent that awready.

It’s nae Burnsian hyperbole tae state that, tae the Scottish political clesses, the Scots leid is like a daud o somethin honkin stuck tae the sole o a favourite guttie.

But seein as hoo oor five-towmondly ceilidh o democracy is currently in fu hooch and as the bleezin issue o Scots language is clearly a tattie ower-het for ither media ootlets tae haunnle, juist for you this hauf-cowped column has scoored the poleetical landward o the 2016 Holyrood election for soond-bites and shivery-bites hoasted oot by oor politicians anent Scotland’s ain dear Scots leid.

The pairties’ manifestos say it aw, which is no verra much. Thir pawkie, judicious, faur-sichtit documents mak commitments tae deliver on the Scots language somewhaur on a scale atween Apologetic Wee Bittie and Absolute Hee Haw.

Sae here in a nuthoose is whit oor Holyrood wanhopefus are gonnae dae come the nixt pairliament for yer ither national language.

The Scottish Conservative and Unionist Pairty’s Manifesto 2016 (Ane Programme for ane Strang Oppositoun) has ... ye haudin yer braith? Naw, didna think ye were... nothin, naethin, nocht – a richt Jim Naughtie o nochtieness on the subject o Scots.

There a commitment tae support Gaelic sae jolly weel done on that, Pàrtaidh Tòraidheachd na h-Alba. But theirs is a hootless manifesto that doesnae awn the existence o Scots in Scotland in general or ony warth writin hame aboot in Tory-held Ettrick, Roxburgh and Berwickshire or Gallowa and West Dumfries. And coorse, naebody speaks Scots in Ayr.

The Scottish Liberal Democrats are invitin us tae “Be the Best Again” but their 2016 manifesto is even warse on Scotland’s languages nor the Tory wan. Nae a cheep aboot Scots (sae whit’s new?) but support for Gaelic in 2016 (the Lib Dems were aw for it in 2011) doesnae merit the proverbial caunnle.

Orkney and Shetland, demonstratit by the last census tae be twa o the maist Scots speakin hertlands in the country, deserved a commitment at the verra least tae preserve da braa Orkney and Shetland dialects.

The Lib Dems, the pairty o richts for aw, should hae anither read at UN Convention on the Richts o the Child which they wid pit intae Scots Law in the nixt pairlament. I’m aw for that tae, particularly the Convention’s Airticle 2 that guairds against discrimination o ony kind on the basis o a bairns’ language.

The twa left o centre pairties hae twa radically different manifesto commitments tae the leid spoken by maist workin cless folk in Scotland. Rise maks nae commitment or mention o either Scots or Gaelic which is mair nor a wee thing dishertenin. The Scottish Socialist Pairty on ither haun wid wark tae promote ‘Gaelic and Scots wi aw their diverse dialects.’ Nae ootline o ony plan o action but at least respect fae the SSP for the speakers o baith o Scotland’s leids.

And juist stottin miraculously tae the richt o Scottish politics tae bring ye the shoack news that UKIP hae nae plans for the Scots leid, but wid support Gaelic – as lang as it’s ainly ever spoken in a five-mile radius o Stornoway Toun Ha.

The Scottish Green Pairty wid “support cultural ventures in aw the leids o Scotland, includin meisures tae encourage the use o Gaelic, the Scots tongue and the languages o folk fae minority ethnic backgroonds”. It’s no clear whit thae meisures micht be and it wid hae been baulder tae caw Scots a language insteid o a tongue but the Greens tae their credit hae recognised Scots exists and shawn it the respect ither pairties winnae gie it.

The naitural hame o the Scots leid really should be the Scottish Labour Pairty, but they’ve never really got tae grips wi it. Their 2016 Manifesto ‘recognises oor rich cultural heritage includin Gaelic, Scots and Nordic.’ That’s aw fine but whit the hair-ile is Nordic? Mibbe a new election strategy fae Kezia tae nabble the Norwegian-Danish vote?

The Scottish National Pairty’s Manifesto promise on Scots is somethin o a let doon. In amang aw its commitments tae Gaelic is the statement, as if an efterthocht, ‘We will also provide support for the Scots language.’ The SNP’s 2011 manifesto ootlined a clear action plan for Scots, a plan which they follaed and delivered on ower the last pairlament. The 2016 re-buit is disappointinly shilpit on detail and “support” could mean onythin fae giein oor schuils mair and better Scots language teachin resources tae the Scottish Government pittin oot the occasional tweet in Scots.

Efter a strang 2011-2016 programme wi gey postive ootcomes for the leid, the subtext o this latest wersh promise o “support” could easy read, “Ye’ll hiv had yer Scots then”.

Bringin a Scots Language Bill afore the nixt pairlament wid hae had the richt smeddum and ambition tae mak a difference for Scots but democratic parity o Scots wi Gaelic seems tae be a lowp o faith the SNP arenae ready or willin tae tak.

The maist engaged the pairty leaders hae been wi the Scots leid durin this campaign wis when they were interviewed by the barrie, radge but never shan Gary Tank Commander. It wis an enjoyable cairry-on and it turns oot maist o oor politicians are guid Scots speakers themsels, especially when spiered by Gary if they wid “deal wi” a possible President Trump or “dingy” him.

Sae will the politicians hopin tae form the nixt Scottish government finally treat equitably the 1.6 million people that speak Scots? Or will they juist continue tae mair or less ignore us? On the 5th o Mey, the question’s clear – deal or dingy?