WHAT arrant nonsense is now being uttered in the name of Brexit.

First came the dangerous, foreigner-hating bilge spouted by UK Government Ministers at the Tory Party conference last week which aimed to outflank Ukip – but succeeded only in uniting Scots in horror at the prospect of deporting overseas workers and students and blacklisting firms for hiring foreign workers.

I spent much of last week among folk from far saner nations at the Arctic Circle conference in Reykjavik where there was general disbelief that “once tolerant Brits” could behave in such a hostile way, relief that Scots had devised “not in our name” reactions like the Not Foreign website and therefore some amazement that Scotland’s feisty First Minister and Arctic Circle keynote speaker Nicola Sturgeon had not demanded an immediate independence referendum re-run.

Who knows – an “opt out or indyref2” ultimatum may be delivered at the SNP conference tomorrow and may be used by the First Minister sooner than anyone imagined if the strength of the pound and the authority of the UK Government continues to haemorrhage away as it has done over the last toxic week.

The pound plummeted to its lowest ebb since 1985 (and over in Iceland the price of a coffee once more resembled a small mortgage) – Brexiteers are rejoicing because “we have our country back,” but poor old sterling is not.

Then a leaked Treasury report showed Brexit could cost a staggering £66 billion a year, UK Government advisors revealed there could be a £25bn bill for leaving the EU, an unnamed Cabinet Minister told the BBC “quite a lot” of the £350 million promised for the NHS might be spent retaining access to the single market instead and a report from the Resolution Foundation suggested weak wage growth could knock almost £800 a year from the annual wages of the UK’s poorest workers.

Jings. The Romans didn’t have the concept of a week. So let’s just call the last seven days Britain’s tempus horribilis. And it’s not over yet.

Prof Alan Page, a veteran international lawyer, predicted that Westminster will acquire the majority of powers repatriated from Brussels post Brexit whilst the Scottish Parliament will get “correspondingly few.”

Page also warned that Brexit will distract Holyrood from implementing its new powers and will allow the UK Government to legislate on devolved areas without notifying or seeking the consent of the Scottish Parliament. Doubtless, that’s why the last Tory MP left standing north of Hadrian’s Wall – Scottish Secretary, David Mundell – was forced to the dispatch box during Scottish Questions at Westminster yesterday to contradict Professor Page’s gloomy prediction and claim instead that Holyrood might actually get new devolved powers once the UK leaves the European Union.

Lordy Lordy.

Who would you believe?

A man who has advised the European Union, the United Nations, the London stock exchange, Westminster, Holyrood and other influential organisations during a 40-year career in public law – or a member of the party that still insists Scotland has the most powerfully devolved government in the world despite having none of the control over taxation of most Nordic municipal councils?

Still, the week’s Brexit nonsense was not yet complete.

The Daily Express demonstrated why the tabloid really should stick to scare stories about cancer-inducing foodstuffs by wading hysterically into the Brexit mess instead. Unbelievably against the backdrop of Brexit-induced financial meltdown, its editorial suggested that Remain-supporting MPs should be “clapped in the Tower of London for 28 days against their will to reflect on the true meaning of democracy”.

But still the summit of this week’s Brexit-related claptrap had not quite been scaled until one evening when I sat transfixed in the car, unable to stop listening to Radio Scotland. Now it’s a while since that’s happened but one item on Newsdrive was compelling.

In it former first Sea Lord Admiral Lord West – or to give him his full title, Admiral Alan William John West, Baron West of Spithead, GCB, DSE, PC – was making the case for spending £100m to build a new Royal Yacht Britannia so that post Brexit trade deals could be sweetened by letting foreigners park their hips where the Royal posterior had recently rested. As Britain waits for the financial implications of Brexit to hit, why?

“I think there is a case for building a new yacht because one of the favourite parts of her Majesty’s year – and she deserves it because she works so hard – was the Western Isles tour aboard the Britannia.”

Wow – £100m yacht for a two-week trip to Stornoway. A bit expensive surely?

No – a great investment.

“I was in Hong Kong for the UK withdrawal and Britannia was attached to the fleet. £2.5bn worth of contracts were signed. Imagine you’re the owner of some huge steel firm in the Far East and you’re invited to some Hilton hotel – they live in better ones. But if they’re asked to pop aboard the royal yacht they go, even if it’s just because of pressure from the wife.”

A wistful throwback to the days of the Raj – as Leith MP Deirdre Brock has suggested?

“No – not at all. The yacht must be used by Her Majesty – that’s its cachet – and it would have to be manned by the Royal Navy of course. But the cost mustn’t come out of the defence budget – that’s why the case was lost last time because the total cost was the same as one frigate. There were 50 frigates back then and just 19 now. But it would be lovely to build another Royal Yacht up there on the Clyde. I went to school nearby.”

Wow. To be fair to Alan, the interviewer didn’t explode into hysterical laughter at this whole crazy, expensive, inappropriate proposition so His Baronness just kept on digging. Maybe he could have done with a bit of guidance from the wife.

But the mad idea of building a new royal yacht to host Brexit talks isn’t just being pushed by retired Admirals. A motion to that effect was proposed this week in the House of Commons by Jake Berry MP.

“I think we have to ask ourselves what sort of Britain we want to live in and what we can do ... to make Britain great again. I believe if Brexit is going to mean successful Brexit, it should also mean the return of our royal yacht,” the Tory MP for Rossendale and Darwen opined to loud murmurs of approval from the hundred Tory MPs who backed his motion. And in the face of such a large contingent of deluded “Good Old Days” supporters from his own party, the International Trade Minister said he would be keen to see a costed proposal – which is polite language for bog off.

For those who voted Yes in 2014 this deluded and sentimental outpouring of long nursed wrath (and grief) over the loss of Britain’s empire, status and former position of world domination is as predictable as it is inappropriate at this moment of economic and political turmoil.

Since the Brexit ship is evidently not for turning, the sensible course for Scots is to ignore the siren voices of yesteryear and focus attention on the best path for our country. Beyond the hysteria of Britain’s “my way or the highway” approach our Nordic neighbours, for example, happily co-exist despite having almost every imaginable variation of EU membership. Some like the tiny Faroes and Greenland are absolutely out whilst their “Mother Ship” Denmark is absolutely in. Others like Norway are out of the EU but in the EEA. Finland is a member of the EU and the Euro, whilst Sweden joined but decided not to give up its currency. Somehow though, they all get along.

There is a lesson in there for the UK.

Maybe the Scots are capable of listening.

Nordic Horizons’ event Scotland after Brexit – lessons from the Nordics is on Saturday, October 29. Tickets from: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/scotland-after-brexit-lessons-from-the-nordics-tickets-28097920637