IT takes a special kind of newspaper to commit to the audacious mission of spreading #SexySocialism around our great nation, and this column marks a great leap forward in the pink beret revolution that seeks to turn Scotland into a freer, fairer and funkier nation.

The broadsheets are bogus and the tabloids are tedious – it’s time to kick the red tops back to 1992 because the pink top trailblazer has arrived! I’m here to win Scottish independence and chew bubblegum... and I’m all out of bubblegum!

Being in a union with England is a bit like being told that you can only have an erection at certain times of the day. A UK break-up would not be cataclysmic – it would be orgasmic! But there’s one thing that annoys me more than the union – and that’s dishonesty. Unfortunately, politics is awash with hornswoggling and hoodwinking types these days. Rather confusingly, it has been the Labour Party – that erstwhile party of the people – who have shown themselves to be repeat offenders on this front.

The recent “#clypegate” publication is gibberish on many levels, but perhaps the most dubious inaccuracy was the insinuation that only nationalists spread cruelty on the web. It should come as little surprise that Blair McDougall, fibber-in-chief at Better Together, has been identified as the probable author of the report. Aside from breaching the Data Protection Act, Scottish Labour have shown, once again, that their priorities are completely – fundilymundily – wrong.

Internet cruelty is not a new problem. The truth is people have been bampots on the web since it was created. Internet users were swimming through an anonymous ocean of swear words, racist remarks, violent threats and evading a litany of unmitigated sex offenders as far back as 1999. If politicians had addressed this 15 years ago, I’d feel less cynical about the subject now. I certainly don’t think we should live in a society where elected officials only speak out against something when it affects them personally. Indeed, it’s a real shame that Labour cared more when folk called them names online than when their leader launched an illegal war against Iraq.

Regardless, unionists take delight in using this issue to imply that nationalists are a bunch of bigoted roasters. The irony couldn’t be more apparent. The very idea that there’s an ugly side to nationalism is ridiculous – I’m hot from all angles! I’m making politics cool, wild and full of #SexySocialism!

For those unfamiliar with the concept, #SexySocialism is the best thing since the invention of alcohol, which was the best invention ever. If pubs could sell #SexySocialism on tap, we’d all be drunk on perfection! It’s all about freedom, progress and, ultimately, compassion – something that is desperately needed in Greece right now.

Greece has been railroaded into a situation in which stimulating the economy has been made impossible, but it is time to stop playing the blame game and start thinking more about those being hurt most by the crisis: the people. I show complete solidarity with Greece. It would be wrong of me, or anyone else who has spoken out against austerity, to neglect to do so as well. It would also be wrong if Scottish politicians abstained from speaking up for Greece simply because it might make the EU look bad.

The bottom line is this: austerity totally sucks. It’d be nice if those who preach on the “virtues” of austerity would feel some sort of moral obligation to the innocent folks on the streets. However, empathy doesn’t seem to be in their DNA, as recently demonstrated by Tory MP Adam Afriyie, who this week called MPs who donated their £7,000 pay rise to charity “embarrassing” – leading to me calling him a “total fudrick”.

#SexySocialism offers an arousing antidote to the policies of austerity, negativity and unionism. I believe that politics can be sexy, and there’s nothing sexier than a country that is free from London rule!

Angry Salmond is a political lampooner. Follow him on Twitter @AngrySalmond and on facebook