PERHAPS we ought to be careful about deriding the UK government’s plan to make public office-holders swear an oath to British values. This move, after all, comes at the end of a year in which our party of government is dancing to the tune of a far-right political desperado auditioning to be a bellhop in Trump Towers.

The loyalty pledge to uphold British values would be significantly different in tone from one concocted say, 50 to 70 years ago. During that period immediately after a war to defeat the forces of fascism and race hatred Britain made more social improvements in the lives of the majority of its people than were made in the entirety of the previous five centuries.

For the first time ordinary British people were given an opportunity to live a full and healthy life with the creation of the NHS and a high-quality comprehensive education. For the first time in the history of the UK working people were given homes which were, at last, fit for human habitation. Grant-aided access to university meant that the lack of any unearned privileges was no bar to children from ordinary backgrounds.

London and England’s great northern cities were comfortable in their streets of many colours as returning soldiers told tales of standing tall on battlefields with black men and brown men to defeat Hitler and Mussolini. Not long afterwards a friendly and industrious mini-invasion of Polish workers would aid the UK’s industrial output in peacetime a couple of generations after 145 of their countrymen had fought in the Battle of Britain and more than 6,000 bolstered the defence of this realm. An oath of allegiance to British values then would have been an expression of optimism; an endorsement of fairness and a celebration of diversity.

What though, would it look like in 2017, assuming it would be an authentic reflection of this United Kingdom and not some risible declaration of faith in a make-believe realm fit only for the opening ceremony of a sports festival starring the Queen and James Bond?

I do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will uphold the democratic values of the United Kingdom. I will observe its laws faithfully and fulfil my duties and obligations as a British citizen.

I understand that those rights and freedoms are not completely unqualified and bestowed equally. Here I promise not to ask impertinent questions about why the public purse is expected to provide a millionaire lifestyle for a family of dysfunctional aristocrats and playboys with no discernible talent. Rather, I agree that they can be an example of great, good cheer in the face of adversity.

I also freely acknowledge the hegemony of the class system in the fabric of British life and have memorised to a word-perfect degree The Frost Report sketch starring Messrs Cleese, Barker and Corbett. I understand that though this is ostensibly a democracy, it’s not really like other democracies and that the vast majority of decisions affecting my life will be taken by a very small group of people who attended Oxford and Cambridge and one of a list of approved private schools.

This though, has always been for the good of the nation. After all, when it comes to armed conflict and invading vulnerable countries and annexing their economies, the UK’s record away from home is something like won 180, drawn one and lost one. These people know what they are doing; oh yes they jolly well do.

And I fully accept that though there appears to be an opposition in Parliament they’re really there simply to rubber-stamp most of what the government does and to prevent insurrection among the masses by pretending that it represents them. Anything more than this would be un-British and, quite possibly, downright Corbynesque.

I also accept that if I should become ill or have my employment terminated or suffer an accident at work rendering me wholly or partially disabled, I may, at the discretion of the DWP, be asked to undergo the SAS Fitness for Work capability assessment (a copy of the SAS training manual can be accessed online here and here). This will involve a 48-hour timed march in the Brecon Beacons (24 hours for wheelchair users and OAPs). In the event of death friends or relatives will be required to complete the exercise while carrying my remains in a coffin in order to qualify for any funeral assistance.

I also understand that, as Britain has departed the European Union, it will become increasingly likely that people will lose their jobs or be sacked by employers who are no longer bound by the straitjacket of the European Convention on Human Rights. Thus only the fittest and the most deserving cases will in future be allowed benefits. I accept that in this land of the strongest and the fittest having a home is not always an inalienable right and that free education and health care are increasingly elastic concepts. Accordingly, I do hereby agree to the rental of one large cardboard box redeemable on receipt of keys for a less perishable abode.

I hereby also vow not to make sarcastic comments about tax avoidance by donors to the Conservative Party. Furthermore, I pledge to look the other way when the Queen’s royal residences are upgraded at a cost of hundreds of millions of pounds and not to protest whenever Britain invades any Third World countries or sends drones to assist in regime change. I am ready and willing to repeat the statement: “Civilian casualties are regrettable but the war on terror must never stop,” if the BBC ever asks me to do so in a pre-arranged vox pop.

I understand also that Britain is a country tolerant of other races and religions but that we must always keep an eye out for the Muslims and dodgy eastern European types. Great care must be taken though in differentiating between undesirables in these communities and those who are currently buying up all the new apartments in London. Calling these important customers of Britain “Russian Mafia” or “Corrupt Saudi Princes” may be considered a hate crime and result in a one-way ticket back to my own country.

I hereby also pledge allegiance to the Metropolitan Police and agree that they are a law unto themselves. I vow to ensure to the best of my ability that my head will not make undue contact with their truncheons and that failure to do so may result in my being liable for criminal damages.

I am the most humble servant of her Britannic Majesty and this Sceptred Isle.